It's a "New Beginning"... I think!?!?

Well for those of you who follow this, or stumble upon it there have been several updates in my life recently. Number 1 - Carl and I broke up. My perfect little family is no longer a family and I will know have to learn to adjust to life without my best friend and as a single mommy.

Wow. That was hard to write. Originally when I started to write this blog, I had intended on publishing exciting news and pictures of my beautiful family. Well life got in the way and I started to slack quite a bit! I am now changing my focus of this blog to be a documented journey of my way back into the single world. I have been told that keeping a journal is a good way to learn to accept my feelings. What better place to keep a journal than to use a blog and thus hold myself somewhat accountable?

I am hurt. I am angry. I am shocked. I am mourning the life that I thought I had. I don't know where it went wrong. Does anyone really know the day it went wrong? It's not like you can rewind to a single day and rewrite it. Trust me, I so wish that was an option. As Carl has told me, I guess it was apparently slowly winding down.

I maybe can believe that, of course the optimistic in me wants to believe we were a happy, perfect family. In some ways we actually were. We were happy, we got along and we had the best times together both as a couple and as a family. Our son had such a happy household. I guess somewhere along the line our intimacy was lost and we lost track of what our "couple" relationship looked like.

I know in my heart, it was both of us. We were both much too selfish to put the other one first and a relationship can only last so long on being selfish. This I wish I could have recognized and changed to show Carl how much he meant to me. In hindsight, It was hard for me to show Carl the appreciation and respect he deserved both as my boyfriend and the father of my child. These are my mistakes and I wish I could turn back the clock.

Now I feel like I am left with a confusing array of emotions. Anger, Guilt, Confusion, Fear, Sadness... The list goes on. It seems to change at the drop of hat - anything will set off a new emotion. I wonder how long this will last.

I do know, I have the best group of friends and family. I am so blessed for the support in my life that I have received. I know I will be okay - this could be the beginning of a whole new chapter in my life. I am so scared to see where it takes me but hopefully with a little faith in the big guy upstairs, a little love from my little man and my inner strength, I can grow from this and find a way to get through this.