It's a "New Beginning"... I think!?!?

Well for those of you who follow this, or stumble upon it there have been several updates in my life recently. Number 1 - Carl and I broke up. My perfect little family is no longer a family and I will know have to learn to adjust to life without my best friend and as a single mommy.

Wow. That was hard to write. Originally when I started to write this blog, I had intended on publishing exciting news and pictures of my beautiful family. Well life got in the way and I started to slack quite a bit! I am now changing my focus of this blog to be a documented journey of my way back into the single world. I have been told that keeping a journal is a good way to learn to accept my feelings. What better place to keep a journal than to use a blog and thus hold myself somewhat accountable?

I am hurt. I am angry. I am shocked. I am mourning the life that I thought I had. I don't know where it went wrong. Does anyone really know the day it went wrong? It's not like you can rewind to a single day and rewrite it. Trust me, I so wish that was an option. As Carl has told me, I guess it was apparently slowly winding down.

I maybe can believe that, of course the optimistic in me wants to believe we were a happy, perfect family. In some ways we actually were. We were happy, we got along and we had the best times together both as a couple and as a family. Our son had such a happy household. I guess somewhere along the line our intimacy was lost and we lost track of what our "couple" relationship looked like.

I know in my heart, it was both of us. We were both much too selfish to put the other one first and a relationship can only last so long on being selfish. This I wish I could have recognized and changed to show Carl how much he meant to me. In hindsight, It was hard for me to show Carl the appreciation and respect he deserved both as my boyfriend and the father of my child. These are my mistakes and I wish I could turn back the clock.

Now I feel like I am left with a confusing array of emotions. Anger, Guilt, Confusion, Fear, Sadness... The list goes on. It seems to change at the drop of hat - anything will set off a new emotion. I wonder how long this will last.

I do know, I have the best group of friends and family. I am so blessed for the support in my life that I have received. I know I will be okay - this could be the beginning of a whole new chapter in my life. I am so scared to see where it takes me but hopefully with a little faith in the big guy upstairs, a little love from my little man and my inner strength, I can grow from this and find a way to get through this.

What if I mess him up?!?!

Good Morning World

The house is silent. The only sounds that I can hear are the birds outside singing their morning songs. The early morning is such a special time. Before the world, my world is awake and I have a few precious moments to sit back and think about the day, the week, my life. Secretly wishing Carl would wake up and make me coffee!

Today, I snuck into Tanner's room and watched him sleep. I was once again struck by how lucky I am. He looked so peaceful and innocent, yet had the slightest hint of a smile on his precious face. I wonder what he was dreaming about. As I sat and watched him sleep, I wondered what the world had in store for him. What would he do with his life and how would he do it.

I was then met with the same thought every parent fears... What if I mess him up!?!? But as I thought what and how I could shape this little man, I only came up with one thing. Live by example. I won't always be there, I can't always be there, but what I can do is show him, to the best of my ability, how to make good decisions. Then I hope that the day he leaves, I have instilled him with the values and the ability to make good decisions and the rest will be up to him.

Now I believe my free moments are over, I hear the morning footsteps running to the play room. Today, I will stop and learn to take each moment as it comes, to not worry about the future and do the best that I can to provide the kind of example to my son that I can be proud of.

K

Where is the domestic goddess hiding?

Lately, I have been feeling a bit off - Not ill or sick, more of like a mental off. I feel grumpy, worn out and lazy. I feel like I give 110% of myself to work and my clients and when I get home, I have nothing left to give the two people who are the most important in my life. Why is that I am able to be all smiles and happy at work - and at home I am short fused, quick tempered and easily irritable? When did the people outside of my home start to get the best of me? And how can I save the best of me for the people that matter the most.

I am really feeling like I am not able to prioritize and it is really getting tough on me. As I sit here, in my self induced pity party I wonder how some women do it?? I just kind of feel like a failure at everything domestic! How can I learn to manage every aspect of my life and keep my sanity doing it?

The domestic goddess in me has temporarily gone MIA...

So back to one of my favorite mantras -

God Grant me the serenity to accept the thinks I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can and
The wisdon to know the difference.

What do you remember??

I am thinking everyone has something special their parents made for them that you'll always remember right?

Well - I had a couple - The purple sink and stove my dad built me (and no Dad, do not get rid of them, I don't care how much space they take up...) and the white dresser that he built before I was born. It started off as a changing table and made it's way all the way to my high school teenager bed room... It is beautiful.

Well, Tanner received that memory this past weekend. Carl finished (finally... !!) Tanner's dresser... It is absolutely beautiful and something that I know Tanner will love forever. So this post is more of a thank you to Carl for spending the time to create something that Tanner will learn to appreciate as the years go on.

Also - here's a thanks to the moms and dads out there of all generations that have spent the time to give us all special memories that we will have our lifetimes.

Have a great weekend.

Be thankful for what you have.

This past Saturday, I attended a training for Team in Training and the mission moment was about a family who lost their beautiful 10 year old girl to Leukemia. Mckenna was an absolutely beautiful girl who fought Leukemia from the time she was 2 until her death 1 month after she turned 10.

Hearing this family's story about the pain they went through and the courage they have as they push towards their goal of 1 million dollars raised to aid in the fight against Leukemia takes my breath away.

I needed this moment to reflect on my own life and realize what a wonderful life I have. I am so lucky to have a beautiful, healthy 3 year old son and a wonderful life partner in Carl... how is it that I let myself go to a point where I need to be reminded about what counts in life? When did life become about objects, materials, money, the whole nine yards?

I need to remind myself that living is to slow down and enjoy each step of life and be grateful for what I have. Don't sweat the small stuff... and you've heard it before... It's all small stuff.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got a 3 year old I need to snuggle up with.

Good night!!

Checking out the new scooter....

What's my password again?

So... apparently it has been a while since I last wrote since my computer had signed me out AND I forgot the password. Lots has happened in the past weeks.

Let's start w the obvious, Tanner! He is amazing. 2 1/2 weeks from being a 3 year old, he is by the far the brightest light in my life. There is NOTHING in the world like getting his special grin directed only to me! I love it and if I could stop that moment in time and frame it, I would.

I got home from a run this evening and noticed Tanner's bedroom light on. I asked Carl about this and he said, no Tanner's light isn't supposed to be on so we went to check. There sat our little man reading a book and eating graham crackers. You guessed it, he gave us his little grin and sat there silently daring us to put his book down. Well, Dad was a sucker and gave him 10 minutes to read and enjoy his little snack!

Ahh... I love the two boys in my life. Muah!

Carl is busy doing Carl stuff... meetings here and there, emails back and forth... but always having time for a breakfast with Tanner... (and according to Elias, this is common in people who live over the age of 90 and he's a doctor so I believe him!!!)

I am still running, and running, and running.... but it is for such an AMAZING reason. It is impossible to feel any negativity when you are surrounded by such amazing and wonderful people. I can definitely see myself doing this again. I am only $239 away from my goal!!! WHOO HOO!!! (If you wish to donate.. please go to the http://pages.teamintraining.org/mn/rnr10/kfossum)

Have you ever felt your place in society was lost? I feel that way sometimes and I am realizing that when I can make a difference I can find my way. I have an opportunity at work to volunteer at a battered womens and childrens shelter... so I am going to do it! Here goes nothing!

And now - my favorite new hobby - making a list of 1000 things that make me smile...

#97 - Popping bubble wrap!

Slainte! and Good Night!